Writing Workshop Follow Up

[#1]

Thanks to everyone who came out (/tuned in) to my Writing Workshop last night! As promised, let's keep those pens a-scrawlin'.

If you have any shop writing you'd like feedback on, feel free to link or post it in this thread. I'll be checking back in and sharing my thoughts, but I encourage all of you to give feedback as well!

And if you missed the workshop, you can find a recording of it on our Livestream channel: http://www.livestream.com/etsy/video?clipId=pla_8851deff-fd92-4bbc-9cbc-e02c71cebf6a

[Former_Member]

Just finished my shop announced! Rewrited!

What do you think? http://www.etsy.com/people/magnetiKmania

[Former_Member]

@ magnetiKmania: Hello! You've got a few typos caught up in your profile - life for live, etc and a couple of bits that I'd be tempted to rewrite - especially the last couple of paragraphs:

"And that’s what I’m trying to do every day. I guess now I could explain you why I decided to create fridge magnets, what inspires me or why you should buy them. I could start telling you that they look great, that make you smile or that some of them are just the perfect gift.

But I believe that they sell for themselves, that any word can’t describe how well would they fit in your kitchen or how happy would be your brothers, sister, and mom after receiving them.
Because after all it doesn’t matter much if I love them, if I’m proud of each one, because right now you are the one that matters, you are the one who will decide if my creations, my magnets are great, horrible, good enough or just perfect. "

I think they sound a little negative. As a reader, I'd be happier to see something like:

"I make fridge magnets. Or, just magnets. Put them where you like. I love knowing that people have a little piece of something that I have made, something that brings me great joy, in their homes - and I always hope that my magnets bring their new owners the same happiness. I work very hard to ensure that each magnet is of a very high standard and am proud of each one. I value your feedback and your comments about my pieces and truly believe that my magnets might make every home a little happier - why not try one?"

Hopefully, it embodies the same kind of feeling as your text. I just think it keeps the focus more positive, and more about you and your craft, and also your relationship with your magnets and buyer.

Of course, please take my advice with a pinch of salt - I didn't see the workshop and am a little too wordy when I write. :o)

[Former_Member]

I'm looking forward to a link of the workshop too!!

I just revamped my profile a couple days ago ... My goal is to inject more personality & my story as it pertains to my shop. I'd love any feedback on how its written! Thanks!

[Former_Member]

@Flourish - April, I think you have achieved your goal! The opening sentence grabbed me and drew me into the rest of what you had written. I particularly love the story behind your paper beads and how they tie in with the vintage aspect of your shop, that you show us the meaning behind your shop name ("unique items for the both the debonair gentleman and the flourishing lady"), and how you include tidbits about your own style and personality throughout.

[Former_Member]

Ohhhh, thank you SO much, sacredsuds, that is exactly what I wanted to accomplish!! :D WooT!

[Former_Member]

Here's my link:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/angel9

I'd love some feedback. I try to keep it brief but give as much pertinent info as possible. I think we lose people when descriptions are too long. (I know I lose interest!)

[Former_Member]

I just redid my profile. english is not my first language so I would love to get feedback

http://www.etsy.com/people/MilaKeln

[Former_Member]

I think you are right @FeltByGina it didn't actually quite end up as I was pretending. I started the text in spanish and translated to english so maybe I commit a lot of mistakes on the process.

I like your idea a lot, i'm gonna take a look at my profile again and really work on it. Thanks for everything! :)

[Former_Member]

MilaKeln -your English is excellent! :) I thought your profile conveyed your personality the same way as your art - fresh and light. :) I loved the part about sitting by the window in the morning. Nice work!

[Former_Member]

I have just listened to the Recorded Livestream and found it very interesting, I also have trouble putting a description and profile together.

[Former_Member]

Yey thanks for doing the writing workshop & better yet posting it for us outta towners. Urgh my profile seems so smugnow I look at it with fresh eyes, cliches be gone! Off to sulk under the couch with a note book and purple pen now. Hee hee

[Former_Member]

Thanks so much for posting the link to the writing workshop. LOVED it!! Thinking of changing my profile to this, but would really appreciate some feedback before I take the plunge. Thinking my profile stuff would work better in item descriptions, so I'll have to amp those up too. Thanks!

New profile?:

I love the paint on the walls in my house so much that I would swim in a pool of it if I could.

I love my grandmother's jewelry, evening bags, and clothes (some of which I've taken apart and re-sewn to update), so much that they inspire me to live a little more beautifully. To slow down. To find the special things in life or create it. To enjoy the details. To look at the pattern raindrops make on the window during a storm and marvel at their beauty, like she did. To sit on the couch and hold hands with my husband, like she did. To listen to my kids' laughter and soak in the moment, like she did.

I am not above shopping at chain stores or buying mass-produced goods. I live in a small town in Ohio full of strip malls, and sometimes, I find things I love there. But I created a corkboard to display my grandmother's jewelry that I had been keeping in a box. I found the perfect frame and fabric for my space, and every time I walk by it, it makes me happy. I thought, if I like this, someone else will too, and a week later, I had a store on Etsy. Just seemed like a good idea, and all of a sudden, here I am.

I want you to feel that way about the corkboards and push pins I've made. I want you to create your own display that brings you happiness because you're surrounded by things you love in your home. I want you to love the vintage pieces I've had so much fun finding, that they bring you the joy they bring me. Remember the days when people had cocktail parties and ballroom dances, just because. When ladies wore dresses and heels, because they make you feel pretty.

I'm surrounded by a family of boys, and I love being Batman, a Transformer, or a football Tackle, and I love hunting dinosaurs. A little hard to do in a dress and heels. But I keep my girly side for myself. I enjoy my displays, and I love knowing I'm the only one at the playground who could possibly be wearing my necklace.

[Former_Member]

thank you for the feedback @FlourishAndDebonair :)

[mtraub · Accepted solution]

Catching up here, and loving everyone's feedback!

@scrubhatstore: I think your attention to detail is great, but I do wonder whether all of these are necessary. Washing instructions, for instance, I think can be included in the shipped item itself. I'd love to get to the third paragraph where you talk about your son and his coworkers sooner!

@sacredsuds: What a great profile! I love this bit: "soapcrafting manages to pull together my scientific background, my love for recipes, my passion for the magic of the earth, and my deep desire to bring beauty into the world." I think you do a wonderful job of organically integrating your inspiration into your description of your process.

[mtraub · Accepted solution]

@JuJuBeads: I think you have a lot of room to explore in your item descriptions. What do you mean by "the perfect addition to any outfit"? Try throwing out some specific occasions or styles of clothing this bracelet would complement. And while we all enjoy a good sale, I would reconsider capitalizing and using exclamation points on "clearance" and "free shipping" as it can come across a little strong. I always prefer when a seller gives context for their sale, such as "I came back from a trip full of inspiration for new pieces, and I must make room in my studio!"

@magnetiKmania: If I were you, I would cut the first line of your shop announcement, "magnetiKmania is the on-line store for original magnets." I would say very few buyers on Etsy are unaware that they're shopping online, and this is limited space! I would jump right into your second line, but perhaps slightly tweaked for clarity, such as: "Adorn your refrigerator with quotes from your favorite movies and optical illusions that will add a whole new dimension of art to your kitchen."

[mtraub · Accepted solution]

@FlourishAndDebonair: Super job on your profile. You manage to exemplify your style in the way you write about it. Starting off with short sentences that are punchy and exciting, immediately make me think "bright" and "fun." You take us through your story of integrating vintage and jewelry with ease, lending an effective cohesion to your shop.

@angel9: I think your item descriptions serve as a great model of how to keep it short, but still convey a bit of personality. You give me some great ideas of how to use the items, and use just the right amount of exclamation points. Too many more and it might come across as overly peppy, but in these cases, you're right, those polka-dotted buttons *are* awesome!

[mtraub · Accepted solution]

@MilaKein: Ah, just reading your profile has made me feel more serene. I agree with FlourishAndDebonair, that line about creating in the morning is a lovely one. I can totally see the mixture of inspiration you talk about in your work, such a sweet blend of nature and folk illustrations.

@CMBDisplayDesigns: This is a rad fist draft. You've brainstormed some great content, and now I think it's a question of going back in and editing out the redundant parts so each line is more powerful. I would edit it to be:

I love my grandmother's jewelry, evening bags, and clothes (some of which I've taken apart and re-sewn to update) so much that they inspire me to live a little more beautifully. To enjoy the details. To look at the pattern raindrops make on the window during a storm and marvel at their beauty. To listen to my kids' laughter and soak in the moment.

I am not above shopping at chain stores or buying mass-produced goods. I live in a small town in Ohio full of strip malls, and sometimes, I find things I love there. But I created a corkboard to display my grandmother's jewelry that I had been keeping in a box, and every time I walk by it, it makes me happy.

I want you to feel that way about the corkboards and push pins I've made. I want you to create your own display that brings you happiness because you're surrounded by things you love in your home. Remember the days when people had cocktail parties and ballroom dances, just because? When ladies wore dresses and heels, because they make you feel pretty?

[Former_Member]

I actually enjoy writing all my humorous descriptions but I was trying to tackle a difficult subject here.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/73817106/praying-for-you-get-well-card?ref=pr_shop

[ScrubHatStore]

Thanks for the suggestion Michelle. I have deleted some of the info. I did do another version with bullet points. I sent you the link. I'm not sure which version looks best.

[Former_Member]

thanks so much for the feedback, Michelle - learned tons from the workshop and from this thread. Now I need to start working on my descriptions!

[LaurelsArt]

I have been working at rewriting my shop "about" section. I have rewritten a few times and am losing track of what I set out to do. i could use some input. I've written up a post about this whole process you can find it here.

http://laurelsart-thepowerofcreativity.blogspot.com/2011/05/reworking-my-etsy-about.html

I appreciate all the help I can get.

[PorcelainJazz]

Thanks for the workshop. I just watched it today because I joined the Etsy community on May 4th. As a result I went back and re-wrote some areas. Needless to say I could really use some feedback on the written portions of my booth. I am concerned that my announcement and profile may be too personal and/or not provide enough common ground to spark conversation.

[Former_Member]

I loved the writing workshop and after watching it I rewrote my profile and would like some feedback. I'm also working on re writing my descriptions and would appreciate any help I can get on those. Some of the newer ones have 'bullets' and I use so many things in some of my pieces that I wonder if it's overwhelming to list so many of them.

New profile:
Hi!
I'm Janet and I am a color wrangling, wire whisperer who loves to make jewelry and fiber art. I believe in living out loud, making life big and beautiful, and coloring outside the lines.

My work tends to be colorful, quirky, whimsical and elegant. I've worked at my craft for long enough to be able to convince high quality and unruly pearls, wire and gemstones to assemble themselves into pieces that are made well enough to last through years of cut loose dancing and romantic bike rides.
So put on your flower dress and some sparkly earrings, life's too short to dress it down.
♥♥♥...

[Former_Member]

Hey everyone, I watched the stream tonight and found it very helpful. Since I'm a newbie and if you have a minute could I get some feedback on my shop? It's brand spankin' new and I would appreciate constructive criticism.

Thanks a million!

[Former_Member]

I enjoyed watching and interested in getting my profile and desciptions right, Could you look at my shop and let me know what you think and any ideas how I can improve my writing.
Thanking you in advance
Margaret