About page critique

[Former_Member]

Hello everyone! I just made my About page and the trouth is that i was a little hurry, cause i don't have enough time these days. I would prefer to take some photos of my workshop and write more informations about my shop.
Which is your opinion? Is it good enough or i have to edit it?
P.s. we could make a game about it "critique the about page of the shop above you"!

[StudioBloomIowa]

I think what you have is a really good start. I think your workshop pictures could be a little brighter and clearer, but I like that they show your jewelry book.

[Former_Member]

Hey Tiffany! The content sounds great! I loved reading your story. I wouldn't change a thing as far as content goes. I did want to point out a few grammar/sentence structure nonsense that I would want to know--it's hard to see that in your own writing sometimes!

Check out this paragraph:

Since then, I have worked in the retail floral industry for the for 11 years. This is where I have defined my creative modern style and my acute attention to detail. during this time I have gained much experience in the wedding floral field, and have created thousands of fresh bridal and bridesmaids bouquets and hundreds of complete wedding flowers for wonderful couples across Iowa.
​
There are a couple of typos: first sentence for is used one too many times. "During" at the beginning of the 3rd sentence isn't capitalized. Maybe break that last sentence into 2?

And this paragraph:

In 2012 I decided that it was time to start working for myself and run a small business, Studio Bloom. My Etsy shop allows me to bring my designs to the internet to reach a broader range of people all over the United States.

Maybe add a comma after 2012 and re word "run a small business, Studio Bloom" to something like "run a small business called Studio Bloom" or "...small business--Studio Bloom." It might flow better that way.

Last one:

I know there are endless options for brides and consumers today, and it means a gread deal to me that you may be considering me for purchasing something special or something for one of the most important days of your life!

Love what you're saying here--this may be my favorite part! You made me want to stick with you and I'm not even getting married! :) I might would make this into 2 sentences or something. Maybe something like "I know there are many options for brides and consumers today, so it means a great deal that you would consider my shop to provide items for such an important day."

Again, LOVE your story and how you tell it. I can definitely tell your heart is behind your products. Which would make me want to buy from you! And that is more important than a few commas. I just wanted to make sure you were aware of those things!! :)

[JessicaSherriff]

ShabbyLily - Your about page is good, great little pic of you think its great that we can put faces to the maker. I would say upload photos and use that extra exposure. It doesn't have to be your workspace it could just be more images of the products you make.... you mention 4 legged Layla what about a pic?

Otherwise its a great little sum up of what your shop is about and how it began, also good use of links
well done!

[Former_Member]

Great suggestions, Jessica! I'll definitely get started on that. Didn't want this thread to get lost and you not get some feedback, so here goes!

You're about page is great! I love the pictures and seeing your process. You share some great things about your history and training That definitely makes me confident to buy something from you! Overall, great page! Didn't find a thing I would change :)

[Former_Member]

I'd love a critique please! I just made mine and I'm not sure if it's any good or not. Still not finished uploading photos tho, but if you could critique what I do have I'd really appreciate it :D

@Lauren
I really like your story, and the bit you put in about your dog is awesome :)
I think you should put comments for the pictures tho, and maybe get a better picture of your dog..it seems cut off. Not sure if it was intentional or not.

[Former_Member]

@ Sarah: Hey, another Sarah! I love your about page! It's personable and speaks to me! I love the fact that you are a free spirit and only put in the shop what you yourself adore. And I completely understand feeling awkward about selling your work. I too have mostly just given my jewelry away as gifts. It was perfect to me! I wouldn't change a thing!

[Former_Member]

Sarah: You tell a story throughout your About page, that tells a bit of your journey through jewelry-making.

I think you could add something else... maybe your goals? Also it would be nice to have a picture of your workspace, or the first beads you received as a kid.
It's also nice that you add info about your piece going into a museum. It's great to have your accomplishments listed!