Hi Jen
Three things on a quick glance to start with.
Shop title/header - needs to be written for SEO. Take out your shop name and fill it with words that say what you sell.
Shop announcement - the first line should be full of words that say what you sell.
Location - not related to SEO but you need to change this to the correct format. As it is you most likely won't appear in any local searches. Locations should appear like this New York, New York, United States.
Read and apply 1 & 2 in this link, it will help.
http://www.etsy.com/teams/7702/sassy-critiques/discuss/10092412Claire
Team Leader